Tales of a Plus Size Bride...The Dress

As you all know I am getting married this year to my best friend David on August 15th, and we have been planning and organizing our lives to take this big leap of faith called marriage. I don't think I have ever portrayed more Agape Love towards another human in this engagement season then in my entire life. I don't know if that says more about me or this hectic season in general, but I am sure most brides can tell me a ton of horror stories that make mine seem like drops in a puddle. However, expressing God's love towards people when all I want to do is punch them in the face and be a bridezilla is not what this blog is about. I want to talk about a challenging time I had early in this engagement season that most brides go through, whether they are model thin or Pooh size like myself, and that is wedding dress shopping.

Every girl dreams of their wedding day and what they want to look like as they walk down the isle towards that man who won her heart and gets the privilege to spend his life with her. You might have been the girl who wants the big princess style ball gown dress with lots of bling and tule, or you might be the girl who hates dresses and wants to wear a pants suit, but we all dream about it and talk about it non-stop until we actually get to the stage where it's time to decide and try on the dresses and make a commitment...Say Yes To The Dress so to speak!

I have always loved weddings, I have had many different versions of my "dream" wedding depending on what season I would get married, what venue, or what guy I was with at the time. I would marathon Say Yes To The Dress, 4 Weddings and all those other wedding shows and dream about the day I would get to start planning my wedding. A few things have been constant in all the dreaming; I have never wanted a big wedding. My dream wedding would be my very closest family and friends, a small Christ-centered ceremony with live music in an old historical church, and afterwords we would all eat an amazing 10 course dinner with lots of laughs and drinks and speeches. I always pictured my dress to be simple and elegant with no vail. So when David asked me to marry him and put that ring on my finger I already knew the direction I wanted to go in...or so I thought....but that is a whole other blog topic on compromise ;-).

I have a confession to make before I go any further...I knew my engagement was coming. I picked out my ring...I knew he bought it and I knew he was planning on asking me, but I just didn't know when. He took me to a store and told me to pick a few rings I liked to give him an idea of what to get and I fell in love with one ring. It was a set of a wedding band and engagement ring and everything I ever wanted. I told him this was the ONE and went out of the store and texted my friend Michelle and told her "DAVID BOUGHT A RING!!" and I started to freak out this was actually happening. I met back up with David after and nothing more was said, but I knew it was coming, so I started to think about logistics and I knew for me the dress shopping experience was going to be most challenging so I made an appointment at a well known large chain bridal store for a date in the near future with intentions of cancelling it if he didn't propose before it was time for that appointment. This...this neurotic, crazy behaviour of making a dress appointment before I was even engaged should tell you how much I have been stressing about the dress my whole life. (side note: Dave proposed 2 weeks before my pre-arranged dress appointment so I got to keep it and I planned two others in that week leading up to that pre arranged appointment)

The Ring!! 

It's not secret I am a big girl. I am more then big I am what my fellow Disney addicts and I dub Pooh Size. Winnie The Pooh is a large bear that is round and loves to eat. That's me. I love food, I love cheese and I am a big girl. Not all of it is my fault, I have always been big...I have some hormonal issues that prevent me from being able to lose weight as easily as others, but my health issues isn't what this blog is about, this blog is about plus size wedding dress shopping. I hate clothes shopping, nothing really fits right, I usually buy what isn't too tight and I think looks nice and I can afford, but wedding dress shopping can't be like that. I knew the types of looks I was going for, I knew my style and I knew the feel I was going for. before my dress shopping David and I decided we wanted an outdoor ceremony, in the summer, no fresh flowers, on the smaller side and more simple elegance then flashy wedding (sounds nothing like my dream wedding eh? Another blog later on compromise!!). We choose the colours we wanted and I had a game plan going into the whole experience. I am like that in general. I know what I like or what I want. I decide and I buy and I get out. Shopping with me is streamline and quick and wedding dress shopping was going to be no different.

As a big girl I knew I was limited to certain designers and looks and bridal boutiques, so I went on the internet and started to do some research. I found a few dress designers I liked and found shops that carried some samples in sizes that I could get an idea of what it would look like if I tried it on. I called and emailed stores and I started making appointments. I had a budget, and it was low so this made the process even harder.

The first place I went to was a large independently owned bridal boutique that had three locations in the GTA. I won't say the name of it because I didn't have the best experience. I had an appointment, I had emailed the store perviously asking if they had the dresses I wanted to try in the sizes I wanted, but when I walked in no one greeted me, there were hundreds of dresses and I didn't know where to start. My mom and my Maid of Honour and her son came with me to this appointment and as we were wondering around someone finally came up to us and asked if they could help. I explained I had an appointment, and she just told me to look around and where I could find dresses in my size. There was no prices on the dresses in this store but coloured dots telling the price range, which I find super annoying having a pretty tight budget and a price range to deal with. What if I found a dress I loved and it was on the high end of the price range out of my budget? I personally thought it was very unprofessional and wrong. But, I did  find some dresses, and to my surprise they fit! I was so nervous nothing was going to fit, and I was going to look like a cow and not feel beautiful at all. I had watched a ton of wedding dress shows I think I romanticized the dress shopping experience too much, as in all the independent or smaller stores I went to not a single consultant went into the room with me to help me into the dress, I got myself into the dress and then I had to call the consultant over to help me do it up, again so unprofessional.  In this store I found three dresses I liked and I would consider, but because there was no price on them they were all just out of my price range and I didn't love them enough to brake the bank.

This first dress was nice. I loved the simpleness of it and the built in bra, but it had a really long train and the skirt poofed to much for my vision. 

This second dress is a mermaid style dress and I couldn't believe I fit in it! It had a corset back, and a lot of nice detail. I felt very pretty in this dress, but it wasn't the look I was going for at all.

This last dress was the top contender. I put it on and I cried. it was simple, and elegant and I felt very pretty. It hid all the things I hated about my body. It was lace and way more itchy under my arms then I wanted to deal with, and it was HEAVY! way more heavy then it should be for a summer wedding outside, but it was the top runner so far in the process. When I found out the price my heart sunk, it was outside my budget, but the woman said she would give me this sample at cost and no tax and hold it for a week while I went to my other appointments. I would still need to get alterations and I couldn't gain a pound as it was already snug. 

I left that appointment semi-fustrated about the process but happy I found something I loved and I didn't have to settle on something that just fit me, or was something I could afford but outside my vision of what I wanted to look like on my wedding day. 

On to the next store. It was a very small boutique that carried a designer I loved and they said they had dresses that would be in my size. When I called and made my appointment they assured me they had samples in my size or close enough to my size we could get a good idea. I walked in, the consultant met me and she gave me a book to look at and put post-it notes on the dresses I wanted to try and she would pull samples for me to see. It was a very different process then the first store. I felt more confident on what I wanted and what I liked, and I wanted to stick to my budget. The prices of the dresses were listed in the sample book so I at lest knew what I was choosing I could afford. 

This shopping experience was extremely disappointing as a plus size bride and if this was my first appointment I would have been so defeated and wouldn't want to try on anymore dresses. The store assured me they had samples in my size of designs I liked. They didn't. I wanted to try on one dress in particular what I saw online and fell in love with, but they didn't even have the dress in the store, they could order it from the designer but I couldn't try it on, even after they told me they had a sample. Again the consultant didn't come into the room with me to help me into the dresses, and almost all the dresses I wanted to try on didn't come even close to my size! I couldn't even go out to look in the full length mirror because their store had big windows and the whole world would have seen my underwear. 

This first dress fit. It did up, and that was about all it had going for it. I hated the whole thing, the colour, the skirt, the bling, the train as long as I was tall. This was not even close to the dress I wanted.

This dress I could not even get on. I loved the design, I loved the simpleness of it, it didn't have much of a train...I just wish I could have put it on..

This dress was a dress I could have seen myself in, but again it wasn't even close to my size and I could not even get an idea of what it would look like on. I was not going to buy a dress without knowing what it looked like on my body. That being said I loved this one and if I couldn't find something I loved more it was between this one and the dress I had on hold in the other store.

This last dress was a JOKE. I felt huge and it did nothing for me. When I saw this dress in a picture I loved it. It looked simple and elegant, and was really close to the dress I wanted to try but they didn't have. It just goes to show you that you need to try on the dresses to know if it will look good on you...the full skirt ballgown was NOT for me. 

My mom went me to this second dress appointment and it was really just a waste of time. I was very disappointed with the store saying they had dresses for me to try on in the styles I wanted, but then not have them. My advise to any other plus-size brides out there is to talk to people with similar body shapes to you and have gone to the store you think you want to go it. This store was very nice, they had a lot of samples, but it wasn't Pooh friendly at all, and I wish they would have just been forward with me in that regard. 

The last store I was going to go to and see if I could find a dress to beat the one I had on hold was a large bridal chain store. I brought my Mom and my Maid of Honour and one bridesmaid. We walked in and there was a greeter who made us feel like they were there to help. We waited and our consultant came over. Her name was Paige and she was so very helpful. She measured me so we could know my size, she showed me to the dresses (and all of them had prices on them) I could choose from and as I picked things out she took them to my change room. I had some dress numbers I had found online and we found all of them to try on in my size or something we could make fit enough to get a good idea. 

From my last two shopping experiences I was use to getting in the dresses myself and it wasn't the case here. None of the dresses had a built in bra and Paige asked me if I needed one. I said sure and she went and got me a supportive garment to wear under the dresses, which I ended up buying. She helped me into the dresses, clipped them, zipped them and made them fit. THIS WAS HOW DRESS SHOPPING WAS SUPPOSE TO BE!!! 

I know it doesn't look like it, but this dress became the top runner for me. I liked that it was simple, sweetheart,  and flattering. It didn't fit, but the consultant made it fit and I really liked it. It was totally within budget was very similar to the one I had on hold at the other store and it was the one to beat!

This dress was nice. It fit and something totally different I wanted to try that I saw online. I thought I might like this look, but it felt too stuffy and I didn't like the amount of train it had. 

This dress was something I think my mom picked for me to try. I liked it, I thought it might be flattering, but it was really ITCHY and there was too much skirt. I could just see all the leaves and grass being picked up in all that tule/netting and it would drive me nuts!

This is the back of the dress above. You can see all the detail and all those beads are itchy!

I am not your typical bride. I didn't pour over dress after dress, I knew what I wanted to spend, I knew what I wanted to look like and once I found it I committed and bought it. For obvious reason I did not post a picture of the dress I actually bought, and when I first put on the dress I ended up getting I didn't love it like I loved that one lace dress I put on hold, but as I stood there in the dress it grew on me...the consultant put on a sash and I found the tears. She asked me if I wanted a vail and I said maybe, but nothing big...nothing long, and she put it on and I felt like a bride. I didn't feel plus-size, I felt really pretty and I am looking forward to walking down that outdoor isle in the summer towards the man I prayed for who thinks I am beautiful in a potato sack. 

To all the plus size brides out there, stick to your guns. You know your body, you know what you look like and your limitations, do your research, call around, try on the dresses, and ask other plus-size brides about their experiences and you will walk away happy and with the dress you always wanted! 

Just one of those days...

Do you ever have those days where nothing seems to be going right? You sleep in; running late means you don’t have time to do your hair, the messy look is in right? You thankfully made your lunch the night before, so you just need to grab it and put it in your bag, but you want to save money so you make coffee and a bagel at home to take with you on your commute. Multitasking to get yourself out the door later then you wanted but not too late, only to realize you need to unfreeze your car by letting it idle for a bit in -23 degree celsius weather, pray it starts and thankfully it does (it better! you just paid $511 to get it fixed), now you have to scrape your windows enough to see, your hands freeze as you left your mittens in your house and don’t feel like going back in, so you suffer. You get your car thawed and ready to go, get in and it’s icy in your parking lot and almost skid onto the road (thank you Lord nothing was coming). You remember the bagel you made and put in a sandwich bag and shoved in your pocket to free a hand to lock the front door and take it out and all the cream cheese has swished out covering the inside of the bag. Trying to drive, eating messy bagel, going faster then you should on the slippery in town roads, and the light turns yellow ahead of you. You want to stop but remember the skid earlier and decide to go for it praying you can make it before it turns red. You do make it while you are saying some choice words as you slide across that intersection just as it changes from yellow to red and realize that Angels totally made that happen in your favour. The school you are going to is a bit confusing to get to and you haven’t gone there in awhile and as you are driving you are wondering if you are taking the right roads and are anxious the whole time until you get to a familiar land mark. Once you start to settle into your commute, you remember your coffee and go to take a sip but your mouth decides to leek and a mouth-full of coffee lands on your front, usually you take off your coat to drive but today you didn’t and thank Jesus it only got on your coat and not your shirt. You get to the school with time to spare and can actually take a moment to breath and collect yourself before you have to go in, finish your coffee and take a moment to reflect. You open up your bible app and there in todays verse of the day is just what you need to hear. 

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans” (Proverbs 16:3 NIV). 

We all have days like I have been having so far, but we don’t have to let a bad morning or start set the tone for the rest of the day. Committing to honour God with your work day, play day, or lazy day is going to change your mood dramatically from annoyed and frustrated to thankful and blessed. I took a moment and reflected on my morning. My hair dried into nice waves, I got to eat even tho I got my hand a little messy, my shirt was clean from the coffee spill so I didn’t have to have a big stain on it at work all day, I didn’t run the red light or skid in front of traffic, I made it to work early with time to spare even though I thought I was running late, and I got to take some time to refocus and set the tone for the rest of my day. We don’t always get a chance to start the day off with bible reading or prayer, but I am finding that in a moment of chaos seeking God is actually more beneficial then doing it in the calm of twilight. It totally shifts your mind off of your troubles and refocuses you to the task at hand to honour God with WHATEVER you do, and then knowing without a doubt he will then guide your path and lead the way. I believe God will bless my day and give me favour with my students, my lessons and technology today because I remembered what was most important, and even if it doesn’t go my way I know that there is purpose in the trails; there will be a chance to praise God in ALL things, good and bad, and a chance to exercise grace and mercy towards others. You never know how much your smile, your kind word, your faith is going to impact another life and walk. You never know what your bad mood, or unwillingness is going to hinder God from doing in your day. You need to check yourself before your wreck yourself (belch, I hate that saying..it is so cliché, but so true). Commit yourself daily, hourly, minute by minute to take each moment and honour God and see what doors he opens, that is all he asks us to do. 

Neglect...

oh Blog...how I have neglected you.

I haven't written in over a year. I haven't even looked at this blog in over a year, and like anything you neglect over time it gets forgotten, rundown, dusty, hollow, out of date and irrelevant...

I use to write what God was teaching me, knowledge and biblical revaluation and only that type of thing but I feel that doesn't fit my personality in the fullest way. My relationship with God and my faith in Jesus is all encompassing and touches every area of my life but there is so much more then just Bible study and theology. I have a life, and God has given me that life to live and grow and learn and experience. I want this blog to reflect my LIFE; my goals, my loves, my friends, my family, my church, my God, my experiences. I want this blog to be a place where I can freely express myself, my thoughts and share my life and what is going on and what I am experiencing.

There is so much more to me then my brain and incite and knowledge and I use to write about these things so people would think I was smart and on track and in the know. That is people pleasing, attention seeking behaviour. Yes, the blog entries that I wrote were pure and from my heart and I was excited to write about it, but then life moments would happen and I wanted to write about it but because it wasn't this big revelation I felt I couldn't. I miss writing...

So much life has happened and God has taught me so much, but because I felt this blog was only for one type of topic and got out of the habit of writing I didn't express myself in this way. I love to write! I love to express my thoughts into words and I have missed it. So I have decided that I need to write again and I am going to write about anything and everything going on in my life and I am not limiting myself to just things I learned in a time of personal devotion or revelation. I will most defiantly talk about God, about my faith, about my revelations and my incite on scripture, but I will also write about the everyday and my experiences. I also might write about a movie I saw or a book I read or some current event news I want to put my thoughts and input to; this blog will be my thoughts about everything, even about my cats!

Lets get to some updates dear readers! Over the past year or two since I wrote anything I moved to a different town, on my own in my own little apartment, and I have gotten engaged to my best friend, David! David and I are getting married August 15th of this year and I am so incredibly excited and humbled to be his wife. Moving out on my own again has given me so much experiences to see people in the eyes of Jesus and have amazing moments to be a light in the darkness in my adventures. I have had a desire to become more like the hands and feet of Jesus. I have also learned a new level of trust with God that exceeds my previous level with my finances and his gifts and prevision. My mind and heart are synced to Jesus and I am learning so much about His character and heart that I have this out pouring of actual actions and opportunities to act out these heart missions to love radically and serve people. Since getting engaged I have learned more about my selfishness, my weaknesses, my need for grace and mercy and my reliance on Jesus then ever before. The next step in my life of marriage is going to be exciting and I am incredibly happy and it's the only thing I have ever wanted in life, but it's also not all sunshine and roses, there are kinks in the system and becoming a team with my fiancé has been challenging and finding that balance of time with him and time for myself and time for God has been a struggle for me personally. I have neglected some aspects of my life as well since wedding planning and moving forward has consumed my time. I still read my bible and spend time with Jesus but it's more of a chore then it once was, it's something I put on the back burner and neglect more then I should. Jesus' voice is never far from my ears but sometimes I feel like He is a million miles away because I fail to reach out and touch his face when I have a moment (more then a moment...more like a week) of stress and fretting and trying to control something I can't. I have recently sat down and went over what in my life do I treasure and value and what in my life is just filler and obligation and when I was deciding what to keep and what to cut out a pang (what a fun word) in my heart told me to write again. "Amanda, you love to write, you love to express your incite and use your blog as an outlet of the expression...you need to write again". I heard this, I internalized it and decide I needed to write again, and write about everything and anything. I have changed, and what I write about needs to change, so dear reader I hope to not neglect this blog anymore and use it and express myself and my day to day life and challenges and revelations and blog about my experiences and challenges and moments.
I might not post something every day but then again I might, but once a week, no less then once a month (wedding planning and all) I will put something on here. I hope to make a habit of this again and look forward to doing so even if no one reads this except my #bffffflllllleeeee, my mom and future husband.

until next time
~a

realizing what the "rest" of God actually is...

Being an adult, a responsible adult, can get hectic. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done, and as a woman it can become even harder as we spider web and go off on tangents, getting fixated and then forgetting to come back to what we were doing in the first place. There is always something to do you just wish your mom would still do for you, like your laundry, or making your lunch or cleaning your room...or paying your bills. I am finding lately I have been running ragged, and working almost every day with a commute of 40 minutes or more each way (which on another note leads me to wonder if moving to a more central location would be beneficial...which is another adult decision I don't really want to deal with but might have to) and not finding time to do day to day life tasks, like making phone calls (as in Canada...Ontario...we aren't suppose to be on the phone while driving...if only I could make all my phone calls in the car!), cleaning out my closet and fixing it as it broke over two months ago and I still haven't dealt with it, or trying to catch up with organizing my life and bills and just cleaning my gross bathroom! I am in a busy season of life as I am every year at the time and I know it will slow down, but this year I am finding it to be extra hard to keep on top if life with working as many hours as I do, driving all around for work and being involved in all the things I am involved with. And on top of it all I need to find time to get in God's face and spend time with him, which is my main priority in life and I do find if I do that first in my hectic, "grow up" day I have a much better day focused on what is important, but that still doesn't solve my issues of spending too much time in the car, spending too much money on gas and food as I am never home to make my own meals, or even the issue of finding time and motivation to clean out my fricken closet! It's a horrible cycle I can't seem to get on top of as when I am home all I want to do is relax and go to bed early so I can get up at 5:30am and not have to drink 10 extra large coffees in a day to just get through. To solve some of my issues with not having enough time I have taken myself out of some of the nightly activities I do, such as my ministry with youth through my church, but in doing that I have felt so guilty each week as the girls I once drove have no ride to get there, but I have prayed about it and gotten so much confirmation pulling out is what I am suppose to do I shouldn't feel guilty as I am not meant to be involved in that area at this time of my life. I was not being effective, I wasn't having the heart for it and every time I went I felt like a nagging mom, so I needed to pull out for a season or maybe indefinitely. So with that free evening you would think I would have time to clean my bathroom, change my kitty litter and deal with my closet, but last night I was so wiped from long days all this month I just crashed at 5:30pm and woke up at 8pm and after waking up I did some emails and marking, made some appointments and did some research I ran out of time and went to bed at 11pm to wake up at 5 to try and fit some time in the morning in to get more things done. 

This life is all about people and living as Jesus would so even though I had so many things to do this morning and discovered I had 1st period off when another occasional teacher started to chat with me I just talked back to him. I put aside myself and gave him an ear to listen and hope in the smile I gave when he talked to me that there are kind people in the world. We ended up talking for almost the whole 1st period and after I remembered I hadn't read any scripture today so I opened up my bible app on my phone and it was already at Hebrews 4 so I just started to read there: "God's promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. (Hebrews 4:1 NLT)." I read these words and my heart sank, I have been so consumed in myself I have not trusted God to make a way. I don't have to worry about anything as he has it covered, if I am meant to move to a more central area for work he will make a way. As I seek him first he will give me rest, I found even though this morning I was feeling pressed in needed to do so much and not feeling I had enough time, taking time to talk to another person and take an interest in their life gave me so much peace it was like that was all I was created to do. My closet will still be broken and messy at the end of the day, my phone calls and emails will still be waiting for me to get to, and my kitty litter will still be gross, but I won't get another chance to interact with another human and show Christ's love if i don't stop and do it when I am presented with it. The "rest" of God is doing what he wants us to do, feeling totally at peace and knowing he will show you the way If you just trust him and seek him moment by moment in the day. God rested on the 7th day after he did all that work to create the earth for us, this shows us if we have our priorities right we will have peace and rest..and to take it! This doesn't solve my problems, but it gives me hope that it will all be worked out on God's time and the funds will be there to fill my gas tank and pay my bills and feed myself as I run all over Midwestern Ontario and I'll have the energy when I get home to do tasks I need to. I trust God, and I need to stop worrying as I'll miss out on his "rest". So if you find yourself run ramped, trying to fit it all in with all this stress and worry hanging over head read Hebrews 4 and let it speak to you as it totally slapped me in the face this morning to get my priorities in check. 

Living in The Closet...safe...dark...lonely

I never once thought I could compare my life to that of someone not living to be who they truly are. Today I came to the realization I am living in the preverbal closet. You know; that safe, dark closet where you can hide and be yourself but it's so lonely as you are always hiding who you truly are. Gay people have the term coming out of the closet and I get it! You feel you can't be yourself in fear of judgement or condemnation or ridicule or to be told how you feel is wrong and sinful so you stay in that safe dark closet all alone living a lie to protect your heart and self esteem. No one wants to be told how to act or think or live or feel and when you feel that being yourself is wrong you fear coming out of the closet to be who you truly are. 

God made me to be me. He put dreams in me and wants in me and hopes in me. I feel that if I were to say who I truly am and be who I truly am and live the life I truly want to live certain people would think I failed in life and I don't want to let people down so I stay in the closet. I'm not letting my humanism define me, but I want to embrace that part of me and let God love me enough to accept that part of me to live a life surrendered and without fear. I want to love without boundary and live on the edge of my seat. I was talking to a very dear friend of mine about my true dreams and visions and I love Jesus so much and just want to serve Him with my life not the way you think I should but in the way my father made me to. I keep this friend in the closet with me as we have a past and that past was rooted in sin and lust, but by the grace of God I feel free from that strong hold and free to talk and dream and converse with him freely about my true dreams. I want to come out of the closet but I fear the people in my life that want the best for me won't agree with me and won't understand me and my deepest dreams to live a life for the glory of God. Is wanting to raise a family and get married settling for mediocrity? Is it wrong? Is it selfish?  I have thought and prayed a lot about why I do what I do and in the past I have done a lot of things for attention and recognition. I am at the point where I just want to live my life the best I know how and love the way Christ has loved me. I want to be in the trenches and building people up, helping people out of their messes as God has loved me out of mine. As that is what it is all about...love. 

I want the freedom to get out of the boat and walk on water, to grab my friends by the hand and bring them with me whether or not they are ready or not. To serve undauntedly without fear that I am doing it wrong, or feeling inadequate as I love different then my peers. 

I don't want to live in ridicule as I have friends people don't approve of or think are right relationships. How do you know my heart and mind when you aren't me? How do you not know those people who you don't approve of or think are hindering me from God have brought me closer to God then ever before? 

Living in the closet is safe but lonely and I feel torn and confused but I pray I have the courage to come out soon as I don't want to live like this for any longer. 

I came so close to losing everything that truly mattered because I was the most self absorbed person. People things, ministry opportunities they come and go, they are temporal, but that love relationship with Jesus Christ...that was something I almost lost until God got ahold of my life in a very real way. I struggled and fought the process, not wanting to give up the wants of my sinful "flesh", because I wasn't truly in love with the ONLY person/thing that can change lives. 

I don't even know where to start, but I got so off track because my heart wasn't in the right place for a long time...maybe if ever...and the choices I was making and "seeds" I was sowing took me further away from Christ then I had been since before I started attending Crossroads. I thought if I kept going to church, "serving", trying to do better and still try to live right my wicked heart would eventually catch up to my want to be in the will of God. I didn't "want" to be so far off of where I should have been, but I took my eyes off of Jesus and what He did and decided to live for me and my wants even though it took me further from where I wanted to be then I ever thought I would go and eventually "my" world I created crashed and burned and fell apart, as my loving Father in Heaven knows better then I do and put a stop to it all.

This horrible downward spiral I was on was so deceiving as I thought I was ok, that I could turn it all around and get back on track and still keep doing what I was doing. Basically I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, but wants of the flesh can't ever exist if we want to follow Jesus and love Him with our whole hearts. 

"And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:30 NKJV) 

In this verse Jesus is talking and he puts it very plainly. If something is causing you to sin CUT IT OUT. Don't try and continue and over come it, don't try and justify it, don't make excuses that you need it, or you have to, or you will stop or change over time. CUT IT OUT. Whatever is causing you to be away from the one you love the most CUT IT OUT. That is a lot easier said then done in a lot of cases, however if we can grasp how GOOD Jesus is, and how much He loves us and what he did for us it's an easy choice to cut off/out and get rid of whatever is causing you to be further then you would ever want to be from your best friend, your brother, your savor...Jesus Christ. 

I finally took a look around and saw what I almost lost and the choice to cut out what was causing me to stumble was easy. It doesn't mean I have over came and that I won't always want to keep going back like a dog to its vomit, as there is an enemy who wants me to lose it all, but it does mean I finally grasp what Jesus did for me, how much I love Him more then this world and the temporal things that are in it. I have finally stopped trying to be my own creator and putting my hope in false things and works that have no guarantee. 

My matrix has been reset to the ways of The Father in Heaven and I pray I never stop understanding how profound what Jesus did for me was so I never choose to be my own god ever again. 

Thank you Jesus for grace for today and hope for tomorrow as you are good and only good. 

going around the mountain again...lets stop this cycle once and for all!

A year ago I wrote this blog...where did this girl go? I need to listen to myself and take my own advice...

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Have you ever kept hitting the same wall over and over and over again? You can’t seem to use the tools God’s given you to overcome it once and for all? You get frustrated that the empowerment you once had is now gone and you are on the backside of yet another desert? I have felt like this time and time again; I think I have finally concurred that mountain but in reality I was just running around it again never getting over it. You know what it was that kept me from defeating that mountain? MYSELF!

I heard an amazing speaker this past week talk about the power of God and he said the war has been won, we don’t have to fight the war and the only thing keeping us from a full life with God is between our ears. All the battles we face are won and lost in our minds. The only thing keeping us from God is ourselves! When we don’t feel Him in worship, when we don’t feel a peace we think it’s God keeping a distance but God is always there…ALWAYS, what keeps us from him is our minds and our lack of understanding of who we are in Christ, our lack of authority and our own prideful sense of self. It is so much easier to gain our full potential as God intended if we don’t let ourselves get in the way. It says in the Bible that we need to die to self and live in Christ and I can say with great confidence if you do this you will over come that mountain! if you don’t it’s almost a life time of mountain running…it’s a feeling of brokenness, depression, loss and self pitty. It’s an unattainable peace and reliance on your self. It’s a constant battle of up and down, fighting with the Holy Spirit and almost a life time of alter calls and rededication’s. It’s a lot of missed purpose and I am done done done…beyond done with it so now I die to myself, face my issues head on, deal with it all it and give up my everything for God’s everything. I just keep moving forward facing it all to over come and not go back to those places. All this surrender has been working and I have made some amazing leaps and bounds in my walk, and progressive work God is doing in me! And it’s all because I have faced the process head on!

Now…my test will be, as I climb my mountains that I don’t put Jesus back in the corner. He is a prize fighter, the ultimate guide and I am a lowly girl scout with a pocket knife…I know nothing, so why should I take back over? Once we get to the top we tend to now feel so on top of everything as Jesus has dug us out of the pit we were in we put on our brave face and say “thanks Jesus, but I got it from here” and we don’t even know we do it until we are back again facing the same mountain. Stop doing it on your own once you hit the top, Jesus is in charge ALL the time not just when we need Him to help us get out of our messes once again. If we continue to allow Jesus to lead, build and reveal in you what He wants, praise Him always, humble ourselves constantly, eat The Word daily, pray without stopping and you surrender to Him you will always continue to be powerful and have authority to over come your mountains! The point of surrender I am at right now came from years of learning the hard way, of being too “self” focused to see how much I needed go let go and embrace the good and the seemingly bad that comes from God’s lessons in life. It’s all good as God does nothing bad and in the short amount of time God has done a work in me on something major from my past I have seen the fruit come from it. It hurt so bad to face all the past, the old, the broken and let God heal it, use it and restore what was broken into something whole again. I have now, in return of all that hurt I faced doing what God asked me to do, have become someone God can use to show others that our pasts don’t define us, and we can’t use what happened to us as an excuse to stay the way we are…I have over come some big hurdles and so can you if you let go and let God.

I want to conclude with a vision I had the other night that paints a picture of how I know I need to work on this sense of “self” that keeps me in the same spot. In this vision I was surrounded by demons of my past, ugly, nasty looking goul type creatures that mocked me and taunted me into believe the lies from the enemy. I stood there in my mind rebuking these demons pushing them back further and further until they were pressed up against the sides of my skull and I could see clearly the good things of God and these demons seemed to be gone! They aren’t gone…they aren’t gone because as much as I was using the Word of God to battle these demons I wasn’t allowing Jesus to come help me. In my vision Jesus was nowhere to be found and it wasn’t that I was crying for help and he wasn’t showing up it was that I wasn’t letting him do what only He can do and it’s to truly defeat these demons. This vision made me so aware of my sense of “self” I have been working on my surrender, that I am truly nothing unless Jesus is in charge, since.

God is doing amazing things in my life that only He can do and if I get in the way it won’t last and I will be going around the mountain once more…and I am so done with that!