I woke up on the morning of the eve that I leave my 20's and enter my 30's and I can not help but to reflect on my life. It's a beautiful day and perfect to sit outside under a tree with my journal, an iced coffee and think about what brought me to this point in my life. I am not trying to be deep and philosophical trying to add up all my hurts, broken hearts and redemption to look at the journey and come to this big revelation, but all I want to do is talk about age and wisdom and what happens as we go though life and live it the way God wants us to.

From the time we can form thoughts we start to dream. We dream as little girls what our weddings will be like, what career we will have, and if you are little Amanda at 8 years old, are talking to your imaginary friend trying to find out why the clouds are fluffy. I have always been a type A, organized, logical person who needed to have my whole life planned out down to the smallest detail. From the time I can remember all I wanted was to get married to who would be my best friend, live in a swanky posh house/apartment and adopt an older child to fill our lives. I never wanted to work full time, I wanted to be a stay at home wife and mother. I was always looking for ways to make this dream come true, but as most childhood dreams go mine never came true...yet...my life isn't over, but it most definitely isn't on my timeline. When I was dreaming at a young age I was getting married at 22 and my husband was about 25, I always liked older men, as I felt they were more mature then boys my age. At 16 I was totally in love with a 22 year old, I dreamed and dreamed of our lives and what it would look like. I wrote journal after journal entry of marriage and love and happiness. I was a dreamer, but there was a real aspect to it that I felt was achievable. I guess that achievable aspect to my dreams set me up for heartache and disappointment as just before I was to go away to school at 19 my secret love got married and my dreams were shattered.

My life went on like this, just wanting to get married and be loved by someone and have a home and family and life with him. 22 came and went, I was in a relationship but it didn't work out as he wasn't the right one. God always had different plans then me. I always rushed things like Abraham from the Bible. When he didn't wait for God to give him a child and he took on a new wife and had a son with her and now we have conflict in the Middle East. Seriously, taking things into our own hand, having a time frame and wanting our dreams to look like what we want it to will have ramifications comparable to that of Abraham and his impatience. It might not impact the world as such but it will impact our lives in ways that will destroy us and rob us if peace and joy that God is in control and has a plan and if we just stay on the narrow path he wants us on we will be blessed by him in HIS time, not ours.

So what's is my point?  My point is life sucks....its full of hurts, disappointments, dreams failing, people leaving, death, decease and there isn't  much you can’t change, but there’s something important you can change: you. And in that change in HOPE!

When Jeremiah’s world was falling apart, he wrote in Lamentations Chapter 3 all about his heartache and shattered dreams and hurts, but then in verse 40 he said (and I shall paraphrase) "wait!!! God is good and only good and I am being ridiculous and need to turn back to him and trust!"
So as I sit here pondering my past 30 years and hating life i realize that life is what you make of it and it all depends on how we react. Hurts, shattered dreams, unanswered prayers, death, heartache and over all life " suckage",  can help us as we learn to focus our eyes on what matters: Jesus. As that is how God shapes and moulds us into the people he wants us to be. It's character building.

It wasn't until I reordered my life to God’s way that I started to love life again. My late 20's as I came back to God was some gut-level self-evaluation on my character, my dreams and my aspirations. And as I look back I still need to do an inventory of every area of my life, taking a look at my relationship with God, my family, my friends, and my church. I need to look at hurts, habits, and hang-ups that are robbing me of joy and bringing me down. Nothing can be off limits and it takes some real soul searching and prayer, focus and real face time with God to work this all out.  This process is not easy. It can get messy. It’s always tough to turn from sin and my own selfishness even when it’s tearing me down. But we can’t find healing and purpose otherwise. Healing apart from repentance can’t last. That is why my 20's sucked. I wanted to control everything and I never had the patience for waiting for God's plan to unfold.

I want to end with sharing a story about a girl named Brittany. Brittany is 29, got married last summer to her best friend and number one fan, Mark. She was working towards a teaching career climbing the political ladder supply teaching to make her place in this world. Brittany is the best friend of my university buddy and on this past Christmas Day she found a lump in her breast. she found out she has stage 2 advanced aggressive breast cancer and just started her 3 round of chemo and shaved her head. This girl didn't know this was going to happen to her. This wasn't in her plans, and this wasn't what she pictured as she married her hero and dreamed of starting her life with him, having kids and building a home. Most people when faced with this news don't handle it well, but not Brittany! She looked at this as an opportunity to show cancer who is boss. She wants to be a motivational speaker and let her story and her attitude in this whole thing touch the lives of others. Brittany isn't letting cancer ruin her life and outlook. She isn't letting what is happening to her rob her of her joy and peace and plans. She knows God is faithful and will see her through it all. As she calls it "its only a detour in life, nothing to get all depressed about". She knows she can't change her circumstances so she changes herself, her outlook and her attitude.

This girl is my hero and I have never met her only seen her on Facebook through a mutual friend we have in common. She realizes that she can't control anything in her life and doesn't let it get her down only fuels her fire to fight!

So this on the eve of the last of my 20's I thank God for the ups and downs, unanswered prayers, his faithfulness and promises and stepping into my 30's with a lot of hope and focus to let go and let God work on all things, to not get caught up on my time line and trust him in all things! I can't control anything and I can choose to be disappointed in the fact my dreams haven't come true yet, or I can use it as character building time of learning to be thankful and patient.

And in birthday fashion if you want to do something for me I ask you to go to this site ( http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/brave-britiney-s-battle/50814 ) and help Brittany. Read her story, and bawl your face off and be in awe like I was. Donate to help her fight cancer and pay for the best treatment possible!