It's all about loving God and loving people. Tonight I had an amazing opportunity to speak with people about who I was, what I am about and what I stand for but, I kept to myself, I played quite and didn't engage anyone in a conversation of any sort of depth until 45 minutes before I had to leave. You see tonight I went to a party my cousin and her husband put on that had everyone from every walk of life you can imagine at it, and I sat quietly by the fire and sipped my water while I tried to be polite and not part take while others around me consumed much alcohol and pot that in my present state I would have gladly joined in. But, I love God. I love God so much that I wanted to represent him well, so I resisted,  I sat quietly waiting for a good time to leave, sipping my water not engaging anyone in any sort of conversation of depth. Until Steven sat down beside me. I asked him some question about how he knew my cousin and he said he met her at a course he took about self awareness and fulfillment. That got us to talking about life and inner self and awareness and happiness. I tried to talk around the fact I love God and put up with my crappy life as God has called me to do so and I do it because I love God. I knew if my heart wasn't connected to my head and what I was saying would come across legalistic and not genuine and God would not be honored. So I ignored the. "g" word until Steven asked me if I was camping over. I said no, as I had to be a church for 7:30am. That did it, his ears pricked up and we hit the ground running. He asked me many questions about my church and what we believe and what we are like. The Holy Spirit dropped it in my  heart Steven was gay long before he asked me my church's and my stance on the subject, which I know I handled gracefully and just as Jesus would have done. The conversation I had with Steven was awkward and I left out so much of what I wanted to say because I didn't trusty heart was in this conversation. Would the Holy Spirit be able to work with my legalistic head games? My discontent for my life? I don't know, but the conversation stayed very logical and text book for the longest time until he started to tell me that he grew up Catholic but was really interested in a movement that showed Anarchy among the catholic people, where they went against the church and their old fashioned beliefs. I knew what he was taking about was a Holy Spirit movement as he explained it made him feel better to know that these people did this as it made him feel better for a lot of the thoughts he had as a youth and that want to expand and go in a different direction then his church allowed. Right there I should have been sensitive enough to know he was seeking. But, it wasn't until I was driving home in my quiet I realized I didn't let God work. I was afraid and in my own little world, I was too logical and left out Holy Spirit movements, being too open minded and not being in love with Jesus enough to let him work and shine in my life. I had a good talk with Steven, and I hope God moves in his life. He seems pretty set in his agnostic beliefs and inner peace movement, but he also had this awareness that there is something bigger then him and looking inward wasn't enough to be whole and truly at peace with life. I pray God visits him in his sleep and becomes real to him. 

As I was driving home from this party, I thought a lot about what my life looks like to an outsider, a stranger, a one time encounter with someone like Steven. I realized my life looks sad, lonely, depressed, quiet, and joyless. I am not in a good place, I have done a lot of duel souled actions, and my life has become a legalistic mess. God saw this and all the right people have been informed and I am working on this, but it's a big layer to peel back and I realized how big tonight after I talked to God's lost boy Steven, who God placed in my path to love on and talk to about His love for him. I didn't tell Steven how much God loves him because I am having a hard time believing God loves me. Bold face lies from the enemy I am believing and it's causing me to be so lost and broken I can't even get outside of myself to smile and talk to people...my joy should be infectious, but it's not there. I am praying it comes back soon, so if I get another change to talk to a "Steven" in the future I can fully show him the love of God, because that is what it's all about it...