I didn't grow up in church, and I didn't come from a Christian house hold but I experienced Jesus in a real way at 16 that I will never forget in a worship service much like the ones we have at Tribe and at church. It was like a heard of butterflies was in my stomach and heart. I can only compare it to the feeling you get when you are in love! At 16 I made a choice to follow Jesus and have a real relationship with him and decided to wait until marriage to have sex. I didn't have a real fellowship of Christian friends to keep me accountable so when I went away to school I met a man, and he was a man and ten years older then me and experienced in ways I was not and I started to date him. However, because I didn't have accountability or really prioritized my purity by what I was watching, reading, doing and listening to my relationship with this guy quickly became physical and I felt good, and it was love that mimicked that feeling of love I felt at 16 with Jesus, but since this love was tangible and right there I liked it better. and at this point in my life I didn't really have a true, real, life giving relationship with Jesus even though I loved Him and wanted to follow him, I just didn't get it enough to make me not cross that line. Because I loved this guy and wanted to spend my life with him I ended up losing my virginity to him and 5 years later after a lot of false promises, heart brake and a marriage proposal that was then taken back I ended the relationship because I just couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated that it didn't work as I thought that if I married this guy it was ok I was sleeping with him. But, after this brake up I totally lost my faith and positive outlook in life. I wanted nothing to do with God, and talked in ways that promoted the non-existence of God and living this life like it was a big party. #YOLO!!
This guy I was seeing was my reason to live and breath and I thought I was going to marry him and have a family and we would live happily ever after and I was mad at God for what I thought was him abandoning me and not giving me the things I thought I was entitled to, like a full time job, this guy to marry me and a family. I was 25 and single and totally lost as this wasn't the plan! I was suppose to be married by now and have so much more. I started to drink more and more as it just numbed the pain, discontent and loneliness I was feeling in my life, as at this point I didn't really even believe in God anymore let alone have a relationship with him.
After I got over this brake up I dated guys and lived it up not really loving life but living like I was and I eventually got into another relationship that I thought could be it, that I had really found the one this time, but because I wasn't healthy and trying to rush everything as I was not getting any younger things didn't work out and because I had slept with him too I was again so devastated; I went into the deepest depression I have ever been in and I tried to take my own life. When you make these choices to give yourself away to people and it ends it leaves holes in your heart and I was just at the end...
At this point I am 27, suicidal, lost, broken and an alcoholic I walked into my church I call home now because I didn't know what else to do. I had tried everything else to make my life better, whole and happy and remembered that when I was living for Jesus was really when I was the most happy. As the service started I heard the music and saw people lifting their hands I remembered that feeling of being in love like no other and I started to talk to God and ask him if I was worthy of love and if I was worth forgiving, and if he was real then show up and prove it. The next thing I know a young girl comes up beside me and says, "ummm...I don't want to be weird, but I really feel God is telling me to tell you that you he loves you and you are special". Those simple words changed my life. At that moment I turned back to God and said, "ok God, we do this your way from here on out". I asked for forgiveness right there and God filled my heart and I knew he was real and loved me and forgave me. I focused on my relationship with Jesus and He has redeemed my life! I have been freed from addictions, and made whole again. My relationship with Jesus is stronger then ever before, because I get what it is all about now. I have been forgiven and made pure again. It's sounds so cliche but I am at this moment a "born again virgin" and I value my purity now as I don't want to make the same mistakes I did before, and it's been a process, because I have lived this life of sin for so long. I don't "want" to have sex outside of marriage again, and by God's great grace I won't as because only in marriage is sex meaningful and worth it. When you give that part of you to another person even if you love them and they love you back and you say you are going to marry them it doesn't make it ok because you never know what is going to happen and it really just causes destruction in your life to have that sin going on in your spirit. I actively work on my purity now, keeping accountable and holding to my standards with out compromising, as hard as that is, because I know it is worth it in the end. I am cautious of what I watch, read and listen to because it is so easy to let your mind wander and go to a place it shouldn't be and that makes things a lot harder.
I know that one day I will get married and have an amazing husband who is the guy I always prayed for and I don't need to compromise my relationship with Jesus to be with him as he will love Jesus just as much as me and value the same things I do when it comes to my purity and his, but until then I am married to Jesus and He is my husband and gives me everything I need! When you seek after God in worship and in life and the Holy Spirit fills you, coming from a person who has had sex, that Holy Spirit love is more fulfilling, lasting, meaningful and amazing then anything any guy can give you. You have to let God love you and you have to love God, because God is love and you will only know true love through Him.
My prayer for you is that you don't make the same mistakes I did. That you don't have to go through what I did the past 10 years as this is only part of my story, and if you place a value on your purity and work on it now you won't have to.
