realizing what the "rest" of God actually is...

Being an adult, a responsible adult, can get hectic. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done, and as a woman it can become even harder as we spider web and go off on tangents, getting fixated and then forgetting to come back to what we were doing in the first place. There is always something to do you just wish your mom would still do for you, like your laundry, or making your lunch or cleaning your room...or paying your bills. I am finding lately I have been running ragged, and working almost every day with a commute of 40 minutes or more each way (which on another note leads me to wonder if moving to a more central location would be beneficial...which is another adult decision I don't really want to deal with but might have to) and not finding time to do day to day life tasks, like making phone calls (as in Canada...Ontario...we aren't suppose to be on the phone while driving...if only I could make all my phone calls in the car!), cleaning out my closet and fixing it as it broke over two months ago and I still haven't dealt with it, or trying to catch up with organizing my life and bills and just cleaning my gross bathroom! I am in a busy season of life as I am every year at the time and I know it will slow down, but this year I am finding it to be extra hard to keep on top if life with working as many hours as I do, driving all around for work and being involved in all the things I am involved with. And on top of it all I need to find time to get in God's face and spend time with him, which is my main priority in life and I do find if I do that first in my hectic, "grow up" day I have a much better day focused on what is important, but that still doesn't solve my issues of spending too much time in the car, spending too much money on gas and food as I am never home to make my own meals, or even the issue of finding time and motivation to clean out my fricken closet! It's a horrible cycle I can't seem to get on top of as when I am home all I want to do is relax and go to bed early so I can get up at 5:30am and not have to drink 10 extra large coffees in a day to just get through. To solve some of my issues with not having enough time I have taken myself out of some of the nightly activities I do, such as my ministry with youth through my church, but in doing that I have felt so guilty each week as the girls I once drove have no ride to get there, but I have prayed about it and gotten so much confirmation pulling out is what I am suppose to do I shouldn't feel guilty as I am not meant to be involved in that area at this time of my life. I was not being effective, I wasn't having the heart for it and every time I went I felt like a nagging mom, so I needed to pull out for a season or maybe indefinitely. So with that free evening you would think I would have time to clean my bathroom, change my kitty litter and deal with my closet, but last night I was so wiped from long days all this month I just crashed at 5:30pm and woke up at 8pm and after waking up I did some emails and marking, made some appointments and did some research I ran out of time and went to bed at 11pm to wake up at 5 to try and fit some time in the morning in to get more things done. 

This life is all about people and living as Jesus would so even though I had so many things to do this morning and discovered I had 1st period off when another occasional teacher started to chat with me I just talked back to him. I put aside myself and gave him an ear to listen and hope in the smile I gave when he talked to me that there are kind people in the world. We ended up talking for almost the whole 1st period and after I remembered I hadn't read any scripture today so I opened up my bible app on my phone and it was already at Hebrews 4 so I just started to read there: "God's promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. (Hebrews 4:1 NLT)." I read these words and my heart sank, I have been so consumed in myself I have not trusted God to make a way. I don't have to worry about anything as he has it covered, if I am meant to move to a more central area for work he will make a way. As I seek him first he will give me rest, I found even though this morning I was feeling pressed in needed to do so much and not feeling I had enough time, taking time to talk to another person and take an interest in their life gave me so much peace it was like that was all I was created to do. My closet will still be broken and messy at the end of the day, my phone calls and emails will still be waiting for me to get to, and my kitty litter will still be gross, but I won't get another chance to interact with another human and show Christ's love if i don't stop and do it when I am presented with it. The "rest" of God is doing what he wants us to do, feeling totally at peace and knowing he will show you the way If you just trust him and seek him moment by moment in the day. God rested on the 7th day after he did all that work to create the earth for us, this shows us if we have our priorities right we will have peace and rest..and to take it! This doesn't solve my problems, but it gives me hope that it will all be worked out on God's time and the funds will be there to fill my gas tank and pay my bills and feed myself as I run all over Midwestern Ontario and I'll have the energy when I get home to do tasks I need to. I trust God, and I need to stop worrying as I'll miss out on his "rest". So if you find yourself run ramped, trying to fit it all in with all this stress and worry hanging over head read Hebrews 4 and let it speak to you as it totally slapped me in the face this morning to get my priorities in check. 

Living in The Closet...safe...dark...lonely

I never once thought I could compare my life to that of someone not living to be who they truly are. Today I came to the realization I am living in the preverbal closet. You know; that safe, dark closet where you can hide and be yourself but it's so lonely as you are always hiding who you truly are. Gay people have the term coming out of the closet and I get it! You feel you can't be yourself in fear of judgement or condemnation or ridicule or to be told how you feel is wrong and sinful so you stay in that safe dark closet all alone living a lie to protect your heart and self esteem. No one wants to be told how to act or think or live or feel and when you feel that being yourself is wrong you fear coming out of the closet to be who you truly are. 

God made me to be me. He put dreams in me and wants in me and hopes in me. I feel that if I were to say who I truly am and be who I truly am and live the life I truly want to live certain people would think I failed in life and I don't want to let people down so I stay in the closet. I'm not letting my humanism define me, but I want to embrace that part of me and let God love me enough to accept that part of me to live a life surrendered and without fear. I want to love without boundary and live on the edge of my seat. I was talking to a very dear friend of mine about my true dreams and visions and I love Jesus so much and just want to serve Him with my life not the way you think I should but in the way my father made me to. I keep this friend in the closet with me as we have a past and that past was rooted in sin and lust, but by the grace of God I feel free from that strong hold and free to talk and dream and converse with him freely about my true dreams. I want to come out of the closet but I fear the people in my life that want the best for me won't agree with me and won't understand me and my deepest dreams to live a life for the glory of God. Is wanting to raise a family and get married settling for mediocrity? Is it wrong? Is it selfish?  I have thought and prayed a lot about why I do what I do and in the past I have done a lot of things for attention and recognition. I am at the point where I just want to live my life the best I know how and love the way Christ has loved me. I want to be in the trenches and building people up, helping people out of their messes as God has loved me out of mine. As that is what it is all about...love. 

I want the freedom to get out of the boat and walk on water, to grab my friends by the hand and bring them with me whether or not they are ready or not. To serve undauntedly without fear that I am doing it wrong, or feeling inadequate as I love different then my peers. 

I don't want to live in ridicule as I have friends people don't approve of or think are right relationships. How do you know my heart and mind when you aren't me? How do you not know those people who you don't approve of or think are hindering me from God have brought me closer to God then ever before? 

Living in the closet is safe but lonely and I feel torn and confused but I pray I have the courage to come out soon as I don't want to live like this for any longer. 

I came so close to losing everything that truly mattered because I was the most self absorbed person. People things, ministry opportunities they come and go, they are temporal, but that love relationship with Jesus Christ...that was something I almost lost until God got ahold of my life in a very real way. I struggled and fought the process, not wanting to give up the wants of my sinful "flesh", because I wasn't truly in love with the ONLY person/thing that can change lives. 

I don't even know where to start, but I got so off track because my heart wasn't in the right place for a long time...maybe if ever...and the choices I was making and "seeds" I was sowing took me further away from Christ then I had been since before I started attending Crossroads. I thought if I kept going to church, "serving", trying to do better and still try to live right my wicked heart would eventually catch up to my want to be in the will of God. I didn't "want" to be so far off of where I should have been, but I took my eyes off of Jesus and what He did and decided to live for me and my wants even though it took me further from where I wanted to be then I ever thought I would go and eventually "my" world I created crashed and burned and fell apart, as my loving Father in Heaven knows better then I do and put a stop to it all.

This horrible downward spiral I was on was so deceiving as I thought I was ok, that I could turn it all around and get back on track and still keep doing what I was doing. Basically I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, but wants of the flesh can't ever exist if we want to follow Jesus and love Him with our whole hearts. 

"And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:30 NKJV) 

In this verse Jesus is talking and he puts it very plainly. If something is causing you to sin CUT IT OUT. Don't try and continue and over come it, don't try and justify it, don't make excuses that you need it, or you have to, or you will stop or change over time. CUT IT OUT. Whatever is causing you to be away from the one you love the most CUT IT OUT. That is a lot easier said then done in a lot of cases, however if we can grasp how GOOD Jesus is, and how much He loves us and what he did for us it's an easy choice to cut off/out and get rid of whatever is causing you to be further then you would ever want to be from your best friend, your brother, your savor...Jesus Christ. 

I finally took a look around and saw what I almost lost and the choice to cut out what was causing me to stumble was easy. It doesn't mean I have over came and that I won't always want to keep going back like a dog to its vomit, as there is an enemy who wants me to lose it all, but it does mean I finally grasp what Jesus did for me, how much I love Him more then this world and the temporal things that are in it. I have finally stopped trying to be my own creator and putting my hope in false things and works that have no guarantee. 

My matrix has been reset to the ways of The Father in Heaven and I pray I never stop understanding how profound what Jesus did for me was so I never choose to be my own god ever again. 

Thank you Jesus for grace for today and hope for tomorrow as you are good and only good. 

going around the mountain again...lets stop this cycle once and for all!

A year ago I wrote this blog...where did this girl go? I need to listen to myself and take my own advice...

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Have you ever kept hitting the same wall over and over and over again? You can’t seem to use the tools God’s given you to overcome it once and for all? You get frustrated that the empowerment you once had is now gone and you are on the backside of yet another desert? I have felt like this time and time again; I think I have finally concurred that mountain but in reality I was just running around it again never getting over it. You know what it was that kept me from defeating that mountain? MYSELF!

I heard an amazing speaker this past week talk about the power of God and he said the war has been won, we don’t have to fight the war and the only thing keeping us from a full life with God is between our ears. All the battles we face are won and lost in our minds. The only thing keeping us from God is ourselves! When we don’t feel Him in worship, when we don’t feel a peace we think it’s God keeping a distance but God is always there…ALWAYS, what keeps us from him is our minds and our lack of understanding of who we are in Christ, our lack of authority and our own prideful sense of self. It is so much easier to gain our full potential as God intended if we don’t let ourselves get in the way. It says in the Bible that we need to die to self and live in Christ and I can say with great confidence if you do this you will over come that mountain! if you don’t it’s almost a life time of mountain running…it’s a feeling of brokenness, depression, loss and self pitty. It’s an unattainable peace and reliance on your self. It’s a constant battle of up and down, fighting with the Holy Spirit and almost a life time of alter calls and rededication’s. It’s a lot of missed purpose and I am done done done…beyond done with it so now I die to myself, face my issues head on, deal with it all it and give up my everything for God’s everything. I just keep moving forward facing it all to over come and not go back to those places. All this surrender has been working and I have made some amazing leaps and bounds in my walk, and progressive work God is doing in me! And it’s all because I have faced the process head on!

Now…my test will be, as I climb my mountains that I don’t put Jesus back in the corner. He is a prize fighter, the ultimate guide and I am a lowly girl scout with a pocket knife…I know nothing, so why should I take back over? Once we get to the top we tend to now feel so on top of everything as Jesus has dug us out of the pit we were in we put on our brave face and say “thanks Jesus, but I got it from here” and we don’t even know we do it until we are back again facing the same mountain. Stop doing it on your own once you hit the top, Jesus is in charge ALL the time not just when we need Him to help us get out of our messes once again. If we continue to allow Jesus to lead, build and reveal in you what He wants, praise Him always, humble ourselves constantly, eat The Word daily, pray without stopping and you surrender to Him you will always continue to be powerful and have authority to over come your mountains! The point of surrender I am at right now came from years of learning the hard way, of being too “self” focused to see how much I needed go let go and embrace the good and the seemingly bad that comes from God’s lessons in life. It’s all good as God does nothing bad and in the short amount of time God has done a work in me on something major from my past I have seen the fruit come from it. It hurt so bad to face all the past, the old, the broken and let God heal it, use it and restore what was broken into something whole again. I have now, in return of all that hurt I faced doing what God asked me to do, have become someone God can use to show others that our pasts don’t define us, and we can’t use what happened to us as an excuse to stay the way we are…I have over come some big hurdles and so can you if you let go and let God.

I want to conclude with a vision I had the other night that paints a picture of how I know I need to work on this sense of “self” that keeps me in the same spot. In this vision I was surrounded by demons of my past, ugly, nasty looking goul type creatures that mocked me and taunted me into believe the lies from the enemy. I stood there in my mind rebuking these demons pushing them back further and further until they were pressed up against the sides of my skull and I could see clearly the good things of God and these demons seemed to be gone! They aren’t gone…they aren’t gone because as much as I was using the Word of God to battle these demons I wasn’t allowing Jesus to come help me. In my vision Jesus was nowhere to be found and it wasn’t that I was crying for help and he wasn’t showing up it was that I wasn’t letting him do what only He can do and it’s to truly defeat these demons. This vision made me so aware of my sense of “self” I have been working on my surrender, that I am truly nothing unless Jesus is in charge, since.

God is doing amazing things in my life that only He can do and if I get in the way it won’t last and I will be going around the mountain once more…and I am so done with that!

It's all about loving God and loving people. Tonight I had an amazing opportunity to speak with people about who I was, what I am about and what I stand for but, I kept to myself, I played quite and didn't engage anyone in a conversation of any sort of depth until 45 minutes before I had to leave. You see tonight I went to a party my cousin and her husband put on that had everyone from every walk of life you can imagine at it, and I sat quietly by the fire and sipped my water while I tried to be polite and not part take while others around me consumed much alcohol and pot that in my present state I would have gladly joined in. But, I love God. I love God so much that I wanted to represent him well, so I resisted,  I sat quietly waiting for a good time to leave, sipping my water not engaging anyone in any sort of conversation of depth. Until Steven sat down beside me. I asked him some question about how he knew my cousin and he said he met her at a course he took about self awareness and fulfillment. That got us to talking about life and inner self and awareness and happiness. I tried to talk around the fact I love God and put up with my crappy life as God has called me to do so and I do it because I love God. I knew if my heart wasn't connected to my head and what I was saying would come across legalistic and not genuine and God would not be honored. So I ignored the. "g" word until Steven asked me if I was camping over. I said no, as I had to be a church for 7:30am. That did it, his ears pricked up and we hit the ground running. He asked me many questions about my church and what we believe and what we are like. The Holy Spirit dropped it in my  heart Steven was gay long before he asked me my church's and my stance on the subject, which I know I handled gracefully and just as Jesus would have done. The conversation I had with Steven was awkward and I left out so much of what I wanted to say because I didn't trusty heart was in this conversation. Would the Holy Spirit be able to work with my legalistic head games? My discontent for my life? I don't know, but the conversation stayed very logical and text book for the longest time until he started to tell me that he grew up Catholic but was really interested in a movement that showed Anarchy among the catholic people, where they went against the church and their old fashioned beliefs. I knew what he was taking about was a Holy Spirit movement as he explained it made him feel better to know that these people did this as it made him feel better for a lot of the thoughts he had as a youth and that want to expand and go in a different direction then his church allowed. Right there I should have been sensitive enough to know he was seeking. But, it wasn't until I was driving home in my quiet I realized I didn't let God work. I was afraid and in my own little world, I was too logical and left out Holy Spirit movements, being too open minded and not being in love with Jesus enough to let him work and shine in my life. I had a good talk with Steven, and I hope God moves in his life. He seems pretty set in his agnostic beliefs and inner peace movement, but he also had this awareness that there is something bigger then him and looking inward wasn't enough to be whole and truly at peace with life. I pray God visits him in his sleep and becomes real to him. 

As I was driving home from this party, I thought a lot about what my life looks like to an outsider, a stranger, a one time encounter with someone like Steven. I realized my life looks sad, lonely, depressed, quiet, and joyless. I am not in a good place, I have done a lot of duel souled actions, and my life has become a legalistic mess. God saw this and all the right people have been informed and I am working on this, but it's a big layer to peel back and I realized how big tonight after I talked to God's lost boy Steven, who God placed in my path to love on and talk to about His love for him. I didn't tell Steven how much God loves him because I am having a hard time believing God loves me. Bold face lies from the enemy I am believing and it's causing me to be so lost and broken I can't even get outside of myself to smile and talk to people...my joy should be infectious, but it's not there. I am praying it comes back soon, so if I get another change to talk to a "Steven" in the future I can fully show him the love of God, because that is what it's all about it... 

I woke up on the morning of the eve that I leave my 20's and enter my 30's and I can not help but to reflect on my life. It's a beautiful day and perfect to sit outside under a tree with my journal, an iced coffee and think about what brought me to this point in my life. I am not trying to be deep and philosophical trying to add up all my hurts, broken hearts and redemption to look at the journey and come to this big revelation, but all I want to do is talk about age and wisdom and what happens as we go though life and live it the way God wants us to.

From the time we can form thoughts we start to dream. We dream as little girls what our weddings will be like, what career we will have, and if you are little Amanda at 8 years old, are talking to your imaginary friend trying to find out why the clouds are fluffy. I have always been a type A, organized, logical person who needed to have my whole life planned out down to the smallest detail. From the time I can remember all I wanted was to get married to who would be my best friend, live in a swanky posh house/apartment and adopt an older child to fill our lives. I never wanted to work full time, I wanted to be a stay at home wife and mother. I was always looking for ways to make this dream come true, but as most childhood dreams go mine never came true...yet...my life isn't over, but it most definitely isn't on my timeline. When I was dreaming at a young age I was getting married at 22 and my husband was about 25, I always liked older men, as I felt they were more mature then boys my age. At 16 I was totally in love with a 22 year old, I dreamed and dreamed of our lives and what it would look like. I wrote journal after journal entry of marriage and love and happiness. I was a dreamer, but there was a real aspect to it that I felt was achievable. I guess that achievable aspect to my dreams set me up for heartache and disappointment as just before I was to go away to school at 19 my secret love got married and my dreams were shattered.

My life went on like this, just wanting to get married and be loved by someone and have a home and family and life with him. 22 came and went, I was in a relationship but it didn't work out as he wasn't the right one. God always had different plans then me. I always rushed things like Abraham from the Bible. When he didn't wait for God to give him a child and he took on a new wife and had a son with her and now we have conflict in the Middle East. Seriously, taking things into our own hand, having a time frame and wanting our dreams to look like what we want it to will have ramifications comparable to that of Abraham and his impatience. It might not impact the world as such but it will impact our lives in ways that will destroy us and rob us if peace and joy that God is in control and has a plan and if we just stay on the narrow path he wants us on we will be blessed by him in HIS time, not ours.

So what's is my point?  My point is life sucks....its full of hurts, disappointments, dreams failing, people leaving, death, decease and there isn't  much you can’t change, but there’s something important you can change: you. And in that change in HOPE!

When Jeremiah’s world was falling apart, he wrote in Lamentations Chapter 3 all about his heartache and shattered dreams and hurts, but then in verse 40 he said (and I shall paraphrase) "wait!!! God is good and only good and I am being ridiculous and need to turn back to him and trust!"
So as I sit here pondering my past 30 years and hating life i realize that life is what you make of it and it all depends on how we react. Hurts, shattered dreams, unanswered prayers, death, heartache and over all life " suckage",  can help us as we learn to focus our eyes on what matters: Jesus. As that is how God shapes and moulds us into the people he wants us to be. It's character building.

It wasn't until I reordered my life to God’s way that I started to love life again. My late 20's as I came back to God was some gut-level self-evaluation on my character, my dreams and my aspirations. And as I look back I still need to do an inventory of every area of my life, taking a look at my relationship with God, my family, my friends, and my church. I need to look at hurts, habits, and hang-ups that are robbing me of joy and bringing me down. Nothing can be off limits and it takes some real soul searching and prayer, focus and real face time with God to work this all out.  This process is not easy. It can get messy. It’s always tough to turn from sin and my own selfishness even when it’s tearing me down. But we can’t find healing and purpose otherwise. Healing apart from repentance can’t last. That is why my 20's sucked. I wanted to control everything and I never had the patience for waiting for God's plan to unfold.

I want to end with sharing a story about a girl named Brittany. Brittany is 29, got married last summer to her best friend and number one fan, Mark. She was working towards a teaching career climbing the political ladder supply teaching to make her place in this world. Brittany is the best friend of my university buddy and on this past Christmas Day she found a lump in her breast. she found out she has stage 2 advanced aggressive breast cancer and just started her 3 round of chemo and shaved her head. This girl didn't know this was going to happen to her. This wasn't in her plans, and this wasn't what she pictured as she married her hero and dreamed of starting her life with him, having kids and building a home. Most people when faced with this news don't handle it well, but not Brittany! She looked at this as an opportunity to show cancer who is boss. She wants to be a motivational speaker and let her story and her attitude in this whole thing touch the lives of others. Brittany isn't letting cancer ruin her life and outlook. She isn't letting what is happening to her rob her of her joy and peace and plans. She knows God is faithful and will see her through it all. As she calls it "its only a detour in life, nothing to get all depressed about". She knows she can't change her circumstances so she changes herself, her outlook and her attitude.

This girl is my hero and I have never met her only seen her on Facebook through a mutual friend we have in common. She realizes that she can't control anything in her life and doesn't let it get her down only fuels her fire to fight!

So this on the eve of the last of my 20's I thank God for the ups and downs, unanswered prayers, his faithfulness and promises and stepping into my 30's with a lot of hope and focus to let go and let God work on all things, to not get caught up on my time line and trust him in all things! I can't control anything and I can choose to be disappointed in the fact my dreams haven't come true yet, or I can use it as character building time of learning to be thankful and patient.

And in birthday fashion if you want to do something for me I ask you to go to this site ( http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/brave-britiney-s-battle/50814 ) and help Brittany. Read her story, and bawl your face off and be in awe like I was. Donate to help her fight cancer and pay for the best treatment possible!

what a year does....

one year ago today I wrote a blog post on my passions wants and desires. I would love to expand on this topic a year later, but read the old one first....

My God Given Passions...
I have a passion for lost Christians. The people who have fallen
between the cracks, who have messed up and feel they can’t repent or
are ashamed of their mistakes, these are the people that I feel God
wants me to minister to. I weep for people that aren’t planted in a
life giving church, who have been offended by others or a church and
have left the body. I stay up at night interceding in behalf of the
young adults who miss their potential because they are caught up in
this world and the sinful, lustful, nasty things it has to offer that
just “feel” so good.
I don’t have a heart for unchurched people who don’t know Jesus
somewhere in New Guinea, I don’t passionately pray for teenagers and
children to know the lord. My heart is to debunk hypocrites, find the
lost sheep and show them what life in Christ is truly all about!
There are so many Christians in this world that aren’t living the life
God made them for and I want to teach them, guide them, and show them
what life is really all about. I was lost for so long I know I missed
so many purposes ad opportunities but no one ever has to do that!
It’s all about being planted properly once you accept Jesus as your
savor. I am praying for the resources and opportunities to do this
ministry one day. To have a team of people who will connect with new
Christians and seek out older Christians who miss the mark.
My heart is to start people off right! so watch out because I’m about
to start a journey for God unlike any I have ever tried before, to
step outside of myself and try something new. I am praying for change
as this idea and God given passion is an amazing change that will
change people’s lives!


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somewhere in the past year I lost this thought and passion. It's was not until my pastor started a series at church on the lost I remembered this burning fire that once burning inside me, and just earlier this week I was talking to a friend about this exact thing! I know that I have a lot of growth and work to do before I can start a public ministry, but I still want to kindle this fire with developing a game plan and proposal to put forth to my church. A year later and I have more vision and ideas and I am praying that this year I actually act upon this passion and I am not circulating the same idea in my head but have seen this seed planted and starting to bare fruit!

pray for me, as this is a big God dream I can't do without humbly submitting to his will and authority, to do it all in his time!

Purity...

I didn't grow up in church, and I didn't come from a Christian house hold but I experienced Jesus in a real way at 16 that I will never forget in a worship service much like the ones we have at Tribe and at church. It was like a heard of butterflies was in my stomach and heart. I can only compare it to the feeling you get when you are in love! At 16 I made a choice to follow Jesus and have a real relationship with him and decided to wait until marriage to have sex. I didn't have a real fellowship of Christian friends to keep me accountable so when I went away to school I met a man, and he was a man and ten years older then me and experienced in ways I was not and I started to date him. However, because I didn't have accountability or really prioritized my purity by what I was watching, reading, doing and listening to my relationship with this guy quickly became physical and I felt good, and it was love that mimicked that feeling of love I felt at 16 with Jesus, but since this love was tangible and right there I liked it better. and at this point in my life I didn't really have a true, real, life giving relationship with Jesus even though I loved Him and wanted to follow him, I just didn't get it enough to make me not cross that line. Because I loved this guy and wanted to spend my life with him I ended up losing my virginity to him and 5 years later after a lot of false promises, heart brake and a marriage proposal that was then taken back I ended the relationship because I just couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated that it didn't work as I thought that if I married this guy it was ok I was sleeping with him. But, after this brake up I totally lost my faith and positive outlook in life. I wanted nothing to do with God, and talked in ways that promoted the non-existence of God and living this life like it was a big party. #YOLO!!

This guy I was seeing was my reason to live and breath and I thought I was going to marry him and have a family and we would live happily ever after and I was mad at God for what I thought was him abandoning me and not giving me the things I thought I was entitled to, like a full time job, this guy to marry me and a family. I was 25 and single and totally lost as this wasn't the plan! I was suppose to be married by now and have so much more. I started to drink more and more as it just numbed the pain, discontent and loneliness I was feeling in my life, as at this point I didn't really even believe in God anymore let alone have a relationship with him.

After I got over this brake up I dated guys and lived it up not really loving life but living like I was and I eventually got into another relationship that I thought could be it, that I had really found the one this time, but because I wasn't healthy and trying to rush everything as I was not getting any younger things didn't work out and because I had slept with him too I was again so devastated; I went into the deepest depression I have ever been in and I tried to take my own life. When you make these choices to give yourself away to people and it ends it leaves holes in your heart and I was just at the end...

At this point I am 27, suicidal, lost, broken and an alcoholic I walked into my church I call home now because I didn't know what else to do. I had tried everything else to make my life better, whole and happy and remembered that when I was living for Jesus was really when I was the most happy. As the service started I heard the music and saw people lifting their hands I remembered that feeling of being in love like no other and I started to talk to God and ask him if I was worthy of love and if I was worth forgiving, and if he was real then show up and prove it. The next thing I know a young girl comes up beside me and says, "ummm...I don't want to be weird, but I really feel God is telling me to tell you that you he loves you and you are special". Those simple words changed my life. At that moment I turned back to God and said, "ok God, we do this your way from here on out". I asked for forgiveness right there and God filled my heart and I knew he was real and loved me and forgave me. I focused on my relationship with Jesus and He has redeemed my life! I have been freed from addictions, and made whole again. My relationship with Jesus is stronger then ever before, because I get what it is all about now. I have been forgiven and made pure again. It's sounds so cliche but I am at this moment a "born again virgin" and I value my purity now as I don't want to make the same mistakes I did before, and it's been a process, because I have lived this life of sin for so long. I don't "want" to have sex outside of marriage again, and by God's great grace I won't as because only in marriage is sex meaningful and worth it. When you give that part of you to another person even if you love them and they love you back and you say you are going to marry them it doesn't make it ok because you never know what is going to happen and it really just causes destruction in your life to have that sin going on in your spirit. I actively work on my purity now, keeping accountable and holding to my standards with out compromising, as hard as that is, because I know it is worth it in the end. I am cautious of what I watch, read and listen to because it is so easy to let your mind wander and go to a place it shouldn't be and that makes things a lot harder.

I know that one day I will get married and have an amazing husband who is the guy I always prayed for and I don't need to compromise my relationship with Jesus to be with him as he will love Jesus just as much as me and value the same things I do when it comes to my purity and his, but until then I am married to Jesus and He is my husband and gives me everything I need! When you seek after God in worship and in life and the Holy Spirit fills you, coming from a person who has had sex, that Holy Spirit love is more fulfilling, lasting, meaningful and amazing then anything any guy can give you. You have to let God love you and you have to love God, because God is love and you will only know true love through Him.

My prayer for you is that you don't make the same mistakes I did. That you don't have to go through what I did the past 10 years as this is only part of my story, and if you place a value on your purity and work on it now you won't have to.

God is into the IMPOSSIBLE...

The scripture says "Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26 NLT)". God is into what is the seemingly impossible! I have had more healingds, blessings and Devine encounters with The Holy Spirit then anyone I know, and God is truly into doing the unexplained and "impossible". By our human standards the things God has done in my body and in my life are IMPOSSIBLE things, so why do I continue to not trust him with my whole life?

"The nation of Israel is the vineyard of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. The people of Judah are his pleasant garden. He expected a crop of justice, but instead he found oppression. He expected to find righteousness, but instead he heard cries of violence" (Isaiah 5:7 NLT). This scripture tells me God knows our weakness and limitations and that is why Jesus was the plan all along. Scriptures that show God's disappointment in his beloved people just show me more and more loving mercy and grace character from my God! I don't trust him with my whole life because it goes against human nature. We are flawed and God knows it, but that is his gift to us. WAIT??? Being flawed is a gift? We have limits and learn to condition and train ourselves to overcome those limits by total reliance on our creator, that is a gift! God blesses us, gives to us, adores us and in return all we have to do is give all our trust to him to do what he wants in us. I am learning this lesson slowly but surly. It is so easy to stay in the same place just hoping things will get better, but we know we can't as God wants to do the impossible I'm our lives and to do that it takes faith and trust so we must never give up and keep,choosing to trust.

Do you want a list of all the impossible things God has done in my life? There are many and I might write about them another time, but one major thing is some impossible doors he has opened that I had truly given up on being open. This proves to me God is faithful and can do the IMPOSSIBLE out of thin air. These doors he opens have renewed my faith, inspired me to surrender more and step out in faith more for him to move in a situation.

I am going to change names and places and things for privacy, but I have this cousin; I don't have many and I am not close with many either, but my cousins Oldest, Male Twin and Female Twin are my Aunt's kids...my mom's sister. My cousin Female Twin has been in my heart for a long long time. Since she moved back to Australia to be with an man who left her in the lurch in Canada I have been praying for her. Female Twin moved to Australia in 2009 and met this guy. Female Twin and this guy had a long affair of on again off again romance. He moved to Canada to be with her after a year in Australia and he couldn't hack it and left her high and dry one day out of the blue. Female Twin was devastated and after a while of floundering around Canada she went back to Oz early 2011. In the Canadian summer of 2012 Female Twin finally left this guy and moved to the Yukon to try her hand at finding herself there. She didn't and then moved to Mexico to live with her Father who lives down there. Her father isn't the greatest role model and it just isn't a good place for her to be, as you see Female Twin went from this beautiful soul of a person in 2009 to a hollow shell of nothing at present time. This guy abused her, she started smoking and drinking way too much, and does too many recreational drugs for her own good. Since Female Twin moved to Mexico in October she has been on my heart and in my prayers. Her birthday was on Jan 3 and I think something in her snapped as out of the blue last Tuesday night as she messaged me out of nowhere on Facebook concerned about my teenage sister and her self esteem. I let Female Twin in on a secret that my sister is a teenager and what teenagers do on Facebook and that their lives are soap operas. Anyway, long story short she says "PS: I am moving back to Canada Friday...to Guelph"!!!! This news was OUT OF THE BLUE...seriously out of nowhere...I have been praying for Female Twin and her salvation and healing for a long time and now God has opened a door I thought was impossible to open. At Christmas I felt led to give Female Twin The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and was going to mail it to her. I am glad I didn't as she wouldn't have got it...as she is coming here!!! I know that this is God and not a coincidence as at one of the first Saturday prayer meetings for our time of fasting my Pastor gave us a sheet to focus our Fasting and Prayer time. There are different areas we can fill in on the sheet, like personal needs and brake throughs, missions, salvations, etc. I totally forgot that I put down that I was fasting and praying for Female Twins salvation and healing until I was looking at it the other morning! There is no such thing as a coincidence and God has opened this door. A door I thought could never be opened as the last I heard Female Twin was never ever going to move back to Canada, let alone Ontario, let alone Guelph!

God does impossible things in our lives to show us we can trust him as he knows that doing so goes totally against everything in our human nature. But, we are new creations in Christ and through the power of The Holy Spirit and God's gifts to us we can overcome our own self and step into the impossible! I am excited to see what is next as this is yet another incredible thing God is doing in my life to show me to trust him, with everything...

I am weak and proud of it...

Every January my wonderful church  starts the year off with a 21 day Fast. Fasting is a great biblical practice that I personally think should be done regularly in each believers life to refocus and achieve breakthrough in personal areas or in ministry. A regular time of pressing in and developing self control through Fasting and Prayer can take you to new levels in your relationship with Jesus, that is beyond our comprehension. I always look forward to January's time if Fasting and Prayer as it starts the year off with a good focus and renewal.

For me and my personal walk I felt God was asking me to go to new levels in fasting I haven't done before, and do a juice only fast. Transparency is the best policy so I will be frank and say that juicing hasn't been going well. I can go for hours and hours without eating solids but at the late evening hours after not having something warm and sustaining in my stomach I can not seem to shake the thoughts of the roasted chicken my parents had for dinner in the fridge upstairs or the frozen pizza's stacked in my freezer that were on sale and stocked up for future use just waiting to be baked, warm and gooy from the oven. Many times, more then I would like to admit, I have given into my flesh and ate solid foods that are Daniel Fast approved. I did decide early on that if I had to I would have a solid meal once a day as it is better to do that then fall off the wagon completely. However, even doing solid meals once in awhile I have been struggling in my fasting. You see I have been craving chocolate, which is truly a rarity as I don't usually unless my hormones are flaring and I know my Aunt Flo is due to visit in the near future. So alas I check my calendar and sure enough this whole fasting time is in the peek of my cycle and denying myself chocolate is becoming more and more difficult to the point I do give myself one small treat in the evening while I am winding down from the day. Does it make me feel better when I give in and have a treat? No..it doesn't, actually the chocolate tastes bitter in my mouth and I feel even worse for giving in.

This whole giving in and making excuses is really something we all struggle with while pressing in. But, lets look at the life of Jesus to help us understand why.

"Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River. He was led by the Spirit in the wilderness,  where he was tempted by the devil for forty days. Jesus ate nothing all that time and became very hungry." (Luke 4:1, 2 NLT)

Jesus was fasting for 40 days and 40 nights. He was preparing to do the will of God the father and the devil got his knickers in a knot and upped his game. Jesus was tempted for 40 days by the devil. During his whole time of pressing in and fasting the enemy of our souls tempted the son of man. Not one day passed he wasn't tempted, but not a day passed that he did not give into his temptation. These feelings are things common to man. What Jesus went through while fasting is exactly what we go through while fasting, so it is no wonder fasting is hard! When we press in the enemy ups his game and tempts us more then if we were just going about our normal lives not working on brake throughs and going to new levels.

According to this verse the only reason we give into our temptation is because our fleshly desires are strong and our spirits are weak. But, we have the same power as Jesus to over come, The Holy Spirit! The same power that helped Jesus overcome and not I give in dwells inside us as believers, the exact same power, so I should be able to resist and not give into my flesh. So then why do I give in? Why can I not over come? Why do I dream of a house full if cheese and crusty warm bread and then give into my flesh and put feta on my salad, when I shouldn't even be having salad in the first place?!?!?!

Then I found this verse and it blew my mind!

"Each time he said,  “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. "(2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 NLT)

So maybe it isn't our weakness that makes us fail, but it is our own pride. Paul, in his letter to the church in Corinth, said that it was only by his weakness and lack of reliance on himself that he can overcome. Trying to do it by our strength and not fully relying and looking fully to God for help to overcome is when we fail. It is not by our might but by God's power that we even can come close to overcoming. I have found this true in my walk, as it is when I am not fully weak and pliable like potters clay is when I fall to my temptations.

Through this whole fast and personal growth time thus far God is teaching me trust and humility.  I can not under my own power stand strong against the temptations I face, but it is only through the renewing of my mind, full surrender and reliance on The Holy Spirit that I can overcome.

Each day, each moment, is a choice to do the right thing or give into my flesh. Some moments are utterly unbearable, but if I keep meditating on God's promises and choosing to flee from my temptations I will be successful in my fast and the things I am fasting about; for my break troughs in areas I am really struggling in, for my cousins salvation, for the missionaries I am praying for and supporting.

If I don't quit I win because Jesus has already won by His sacrifice. When I admit I am weak and can not do it alone is when my spirit becomes strong and I can overcome my flesh. It is proven! However, I am not Jesus, I am not perfect and it is by his grace and mercy alone that when and if I do fail from here on in I can pick myself back up and continue on in more humility and devotion to press in more. But, in the mean time I am going to hide my chocolate better, and give away my feta so it is more of an effort to actually fall off the preverbal wagon. I won't be likely to give into temptation as in reality it is more practical to physically distance yourself from temptation in the first place...but that is a whole other blog for another time.

Sticks and Stones...

**this is an entry from my previous blog I feel is important to share here**

"Sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me”, this phrase was obviously coined by a mother trying to protect her child from bullies. People are mean and words cut deep, the wounds from a physical beat-down heal but the wounds from words don’t and people carry those hurts around with them, sometimes, forever. As a victim of bullying I can boldly share the power of Jesus’ healing in my life and those deep, deep, deep, life crushing hurts from words are gone.

I have always been a larger person, I was sick as a child and had so many steroids pumped into my body I have never been “small”. I was the fat kid from the very first day of school and it hurt. No one in my grade in elementary school ever made me feel less then wonderful but there were a few girls and a couple boys in other grades that said mean, mean, uncalled for things that gave me such insecurities that I never wanted to be myself…I hated myself. I hated my skin, I hated my hair, my eyes, my personality, my voice…I hated everything about me and I pushed all that hateful emotion down deep until I had on enough of a mask to not feel anymore pain or really have any truth to my life. I would lie and pretend to get people to like me as I really didn’t think they would like me for who I truly was. I hated that people would laugh at me and poke fun so I constantly made fun of myself, if I could laugh at myself then it didn’t feel so bad when others laughed at me because I made a joke of it. This fake life lead to a deep seeded depression all through my high school years, and because I struggled so much to fit in and be something I was not it became “work” to live and put a smile on my face.

On a lighter note I met Jesus for the first time in a real way at a Christian summer camp when I was 16 and I finally felt I could smile for real. However, I still wore my mask and suffered in private. I remember one time at a youth retreat the pain of faking a smile and joy became too much that I excused myself and cut for the first time to just feel something. No one knew what I did and no one knew the hurts I carried around. I had to be loud, fun, off the wall awesome because then people wouldn’t see my hurts and hurt me in return. My walls were so high it was impossible for me to take them down as then people would know my whole life was a lie and the fact I hated myself.

The summer I turned 17 Jesus changed something in me where some of my walls came down. I shared hurts and truths with some people I never shared before, I left camp that summer more confident in myself, a little more caring toward myself and free from cutting. I had people who I was real with, which I had never had up until this point. However, I hadn’t given my whole life to Jesus at this point to heal me, to touch me and make me whole, so when I went to University with some walls down, letting people in I was hurt by some people and all the feelings of worthlessness flooded back. I was more depressed then ever, away from home for the first time and just wanted to make it all go away, so up went the mask again. My roommate found a note I wrote and got worried and called me on my cellphone to make sure I was ok, and I brushed it off as a joke…but in reality I just wanted to end my life. I was so tired of living I just wanted to go home to God the father and be at peace, but I could never follow through with taking my own life because I didn’t want to go to hell as I was told taking my own life was a sin, so to numb the pain I drank and drank and drank until it went away. Drinking, taking pills, cutting to just feel something continued until God said “enough” and reached out and pulled me out of the deepest pit I have ever been in the late summer of 2010.

Because I felt so worthless, and unloved because of years of putting up high walls I looked for love in all the wrong places. In the spring and summer of 2010 I was in a relationship with a sweet man who totally loved me for me. He showed me love, respect and a life I could have only dreamed of, but by then I was so damaged and emotionally wrecked I could never have a healthy relationship. It became to much for my OCD riddled, secretly depressed, baby christian boyfriend to handle and he broke my heart. It broke so hard I tried to kill myself in his house the morning he broke up with me, he stopped me though. thank The Lord, and called my parents. After my parents came I was immediately put into emergency counseling and that was when I was done with the masks and walls. My heart started to pour out years of pain, wounds from words, and I admitted that I had an issue with alcohol and I cut myself (for the last time the morning I tried to kill myself). It wasn’t the first time I tried to end my life because I felt worthless and that there was no way out and no one cared, but it was the last time!

With everything being out in the open I was forced to face my issues, get help and start to heal. That was when God showed up. I said before the guy I was dating at the time was a new christian, he gave me a book called “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren and after we broke up he encouraged me to get back my relationship with God, so I read the book. My life started to really change when I started to let go and let God. I went to church and God spoke to me in a real tangible way. I was 4 weeks out from my suicide attempt, and in church; we are worshiping. I am talking to God during this time asking him if he is real and if he really does love me and if I am worth it to show me. The next thing I know a young girl comes up to me while I am singing and says “I feel God is telling me to tell you he loves you and you are special”. I cried and said, “ok God, we will do this your way”.

From that point on I stopped being two people, I was all for Jesus, 100% surrendered, and my life changed. Jesus healed my hurts, the deep cuts from mean kids. Jesus showed me who I truly was and how to accept that. Jesus has shown me love like I have never had, how to forgive and that I am worth it! I had to let down my walls, feel real pain, let Jesus invade my life, lose friends, forgive everyone who hurt me, turn 180 degrees from the life I was living and totally surrender my life to Him to allow him to bring me out of the pit I was in.

John 15:18,19 says: “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.” (NLT), people are going to be mean, and words are going to cut deep, but Jesus died to give you life so sticks and stones may brake your bones but words never have to hurt you! Jesus loves you so much, you are worth it, you are wonderful, you are beautiful and God created you for his purpose!

If you find yourself feeling like no one cares and life isn’t worth it, and the bullies never stop and you have to put up walls or cut to make the pain go away or drink or do drugs to numb the pain know you can reach out to people. If you suffer in silence no one knows you hurt, no one knew I hurt my whole life and I am only alive today by the grace of God to share with you my pain and healing so you can have freedom in Christ.
Also if you know someone who is in a depressed state or cuts or hides from who they are tell them you care and be Jesus to them, because all it takes it stoping for one to make the difference. What if that girl didn’t reach out in faith? Where would I be? She stopped for me, she was Jesus to me and it opened my life to the most incredible journey I have ever been on

Brake My Heart For What Brakes Yours

Recently I have been reading some of 1Kings…these guys didn’t get it. However there are so many good lessons from it. I told a friend of mine that I was reading Kings and she told me when she was in Sunday School that was pretty much all she learned about; The Kings. Because I was so moved by the stories I read I was shocked that they would teach young people such heavy stories! Talk about guilt tripping young people, there is so much sacrifice and strife, no wonder kids turn away when they start to use their own brain, talk about legalism! However, I am finding I am looking at these stories with a heart of sorrow for God. God gave us stories like the ones in Kings to show us what makes him cry and what makes him smile. there is sorrow but amazing redemption in these stories, it’s good stuff….but super heavy for young people when not used in the proper context.

So because of this my friend didn’t think of it the same way I did as she said she was bored of the Kings, as it was taught so much to her at a young age. How can this be? 1Kings is all about the mistakes; the things that upset God. These Kings had favor, but through sin and hard hearts and selfish power they were harshly punished for their choices. Then 2Kings is all about redemption. the Kings that loved God and did his will; yes they made mistakes but king David was God’s favorite…he redeemed the Kings!

I just finished the story of King Ahab and how he died and then how his descendants lost it all and instead of turning back to God they worshiped a false god named Baal. It is really interesting and there are so many things in that story about many different aspects and levels of God and his unfathomable love for us! The Bible really is all about Jesus and the gospel, we just don’t see it in the Old Testament as we let the “history” and stories get in the way. When we take it out of context and true meaning it loses value.

God loved those Kings so much and gave them so many chances…gave them so many words through prophets, dire warnings…but they just didn’t listen. Knowing God loves us…like really really loves us, and wants us intimate with him, not listening or turning from the things they were doing makes God so sad. We make God sad when we get out of his plan and purpose for us. God weeps for so many people who he loves that are missing purpose and not listening to his loving warnings. We, as devoted believers, need to weep for them too, and share his love with them, so God can delight in them like he delights in us!

I don’t want I make God cry by not breaking my heart for what brakes his. The stories of the Kings are stories that make God cry and then they are stories that make God delight in a joyful way through redemption. There is always hope in Jesus Christ and His sacrifice that we can not be insensitive to what makes God sad, learn from the mistakes of the Kings so we can then make him happy...