I came so close to losing everything that truly mattered because I was the most self absorbed person. People things, ministry opportunities they come and go, they are temporal, but that love relationship with Jesus Christ...that was something I almost lost until God got ahold of my life in a very real way. I struggled and fought the process, not wanting to give up the wants of my sinful "flesh", because I wasn't truly in love with the ONLY person/thing that can change lives. 

I don't even know where to start, but I got so off track because my heart wasn't in the right place for a long time...maybe if ever...and the choices I was making and "seeds" I was sowing took me further away from Christ then I had been since before I started attending Crossroads. I thought if I kept going to church, "serving", trying to do better and still try to live right my wicked heart would eventually catch up to my want to be in the will of God. I didn't "want" to be so far off of where I should have been, but I took my eyes off of Jesus and what He did and decided to live for me and my wants even though it took me further from where I wanted to be then I ever thought I would go and eventually "my" world I created crashed and burned and fell apart, as my loving Father in Heaven knows better then I do and put a stop to it all.

This horrible downward spiral I was on was so deceiving as I thought I was ok, that I could turn it all around and get back on track and still keep doing what I was doing. Basically I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, but wants of the flesh can't ever exist if we want to follow Jesus and love Him with our whole hearts. 

"And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:30 NKJV) 

In this verse Jesus is talking and he puts it very plainly. If something is causing you to sin CUT IT OUT. Don't try and continue and over come it, don't try and justify it, don't make excuses that you need it, or you have to, or you will stop or change over time. CUT IT OUT. Whatever is causing you to be away from the one you love the most CUT IT OUT. That is a lot easier said then done in a lot of cases, however if we can grasp how GOOD Jesus is, and how much He loves us and what he did for us it's an easy choice to cut off/out and get rid of whatever is causing you to be further then you would ever want to be from your best friend, your brother, your savor...Jesus Christ. 

I finally took a look around and saw what I almost lost and the choice to cut out what was causing me to stumble was easy. It doesn't mean I have over came and that I won't always want to keep going back like a dog to its vomit, as there is an enemy who wants me to lose it all, but it does mean I finally grasp what Jesus did for me, how much I love Him more then this world and the temporal things that are in it. I have finally stopped trying to be my own creator and putting my hope in false things and works that have no guarantee. 

My matrix has been reset to the ways of The Father in Heaven and I pray I never stop understanding how profound what Jesus did for me was so I never choose to be my own god ever again. 

Thank you Jesus for grace for today and hope for tomorrow as you are good and only good.