Living in The Closet...safe...dark...lonely

I never once thought I could compare my life to that of someone not living to be who they truly are. Today I came to the realization I am living in the preverbal closet. You know; that safe, dark closet where you can hide and be yourself but it's so lonely as you are always hiding who you truly are. Gay people have the term coming out of the closet and I get it! You feel you can't be yourself in fear of judgement or condemnation or ridicule or to be told how you feel is wrong and sinful so you stay in that safe dark closet all alone living a lie to protect your heart and self esteem. No one wants to be told how to act or think or live or feel and when you feel that being yourself is wrong you fear coming out of the closet to be who you truly are. 

God made me to be me. He put dreams in me and wants in me and hopes in me. I feel that if I were to say who I truly am and be who I truly am and live the life I truly want to live certain people would think I failed in life and I don't want to let people down so I stay in the closet. I'm not letting my humanism define me, but I want to embrace that part of me and let God love me enough to accept that part of me to live a life surrendered and without fear. I want to love without boundary and live on the edge of my seat. I was talking to a very dear friend of mine about my true dreams and visions and I love Jesus so much and just want to serve Him with my life not the way you think I should but in the way my father made me to. I keep this friend in the closet with me as we have a past and that past was rooted in sin and lust, but by the grace of God I feel free from that strong hold and free to talk and dream and converse with him freely about my true dreams. I want to come out of the closet but I fear the people in my life that want the best for me won't agree with me and won't understand me and my deepest dreams to live a life for the glory of God. Is wanting to raise a family and get married settling for mediocrity? Is it wrong? Is it selfish?  I have thought and prayed a lot about why I do what I do and in the past I have done a lot of things for attention and recognition. I am at the point where I just want to live my life the best I know how and love the way Christ has loved me. I want to be in the trenches and building people up, helping people out of their messes as God has loved me out of mine. As that is what it is all about...love. 

I want the freedom to get out of the boat and walk on water, to grab my friends by the hand and bring them with me whether or not they are ready or not. To serve undauntedly without fear that I am doing it wrong, or feeling inadequate as I love different then my peers. 

I don't want to live in ridicule as I have friends people don't approve of or think are right relationships. How do you know my heart and mind when you aren't me? How do you not know those people who you don't approve of or think are hindering me from God have brought me closer to God then ever before? 

Living in the closet is safe but lonely and I feel torn and confused but I pray I have the courage to come out soon as I don't want to live like this for any longer.